Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
