I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
Randomize
