I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
