I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
