I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
