I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
