i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
