how can u be prego again
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
