I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
