that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
