Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
