I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You have to summon your inner elephant
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
