you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
