dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
