i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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