I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
