And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
