I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
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