How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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