if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
