They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Randomize
