Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Randomize