How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
