i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
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