she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
