Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Randomize
