I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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