I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I AM VODKA MAN
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize