My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize