oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
