I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize