I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
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