I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
