WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Is Oprah even human
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Randomize
