You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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