You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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