Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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