while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Randomize