new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
