my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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