You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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