I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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