Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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