While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
