I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
