What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
