We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
