pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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