hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Randomize
