Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Need sex. Gaining weight.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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