you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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