I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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