I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
