remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
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