I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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