My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
