If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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