I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Randomize
