Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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